And this is what you call pure class, yes? Oh, Miss Wintour and Sir Lagerfeld are the epitome of sophistication.
This strange liking I have towards the two fashion moguls is appalling; they just ooze power and control.
Would you give it all up?
Sometimes, I’m unsure of how to approach a situation. So I go into it blank, expressionless, emotionless. But despite my effort, I feel something. I feel it, but don’t exactly know what it is. What could it be? Confusion? Infatuation? Care? Worry? Crisis? Oh, yes, a crisis. It’s just screaming for attention. But no.. it’s none of the above.
It’s fear.
When I’m unsure of how to approach a situation, I am afraid, terrified, frightened. Use the thesaurus for all the other words to expand your vocabulary. I am scared. But see, I don’t feel fear. I’ve taught myself to not feel this way. Fear does not make its way into my life nor does it exist. I’ve made sure to shut it out and never let it in.
In all honesty, I thought I was invulnerable to that emotion, going through more wars in my heart than I could imagine. So it was a shock to me to learn I was still capable of truly being afraid. Apparently, when the right person comes along, all your morals are thrown out the nearest window.
Fear is instilled in your veins, running through every inch, every hair of your body. And you react to it like you’ve always felt it, like it’s been hiding this whole time. And that’s when it hits you. Fear is created when you don’t know how to react. Because then you’d be out of your comfort zone, your little bubble of safety, and you’re actually taking a chance. A risk.
It’s probably the drugs talking.
I know where to find happiness; in my own voice, mind, and heart. It’s so hard to just look at yourself and what you’ve created.. it really is. Because there are so many things blocking your view: judgments, limits.
But I finally got to look at myself without all those things, and wow. I’m just in shock. I am happy. It’s the things around me that aren’t.
The vision I’m able to create in my head is beautiful, the words I’m able to say and write is beautiful, everything I touch, in my eyes, is beautiful.
/ends ramble.
This is probably the medication talking.. just so you know. This is what happens when you take your drugs on an empty stomach. Woo for wisdom teeth. Not.
Betrayal.
There isn’t a feeling that hits you harder than this. I’ve felt it to an extent, because lies lead to betrayal, yes? I have this theory.. that at least once in your life, you will be betrayed to the point where everything just freezes.
You can’t talk, you can’t move, you can’t speak. No tears fall from your face, but disappointment seems to fill every pore of your body. You become upset, then curious as to why you were betrayed, then you become angry. Real angry. Don’t hold it back, it’s human nature.
“Don’t. Don’t talk to me. Don’t touch me. Don’t even think about me because the sheer thought of you evokes so much anger. I am not nor will ever ask for an apology.. ever. Because you cannot fix, apologize or ‘make up’ for what you have done. I’m not being rude, I’m just telling you to not waste your time on me.”
That’s what comes up in my mind when I think of betrayal. Because really, if someone betrays me to the point where I become a reckless bitch, there’s gotta be something wrong.
I don’t want to be betrayed.. ever, but it’s inevitable. I’ll compromise; if you betray me, don’t ever be in the same room as I am. Because you hurt me.. I will hurt you back. Emotionally. And if you go against my plea, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Afraid of expressing.
This feeling we get before we reveal our true emotions to another person is just killer. Because we planned everything exactly how it’s supposed to be, and what we’re supposed to say, but then.. when you’re in the moment.. your mind just goes blank. And it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating because you’re trying to get a hold of your life, and you’re trying to control it, but you can’t. You can’t control human emotion; you can’t control reaction.
I, too, was cautious of expressing my emotions and what I felt. I was scared to show them because I was concerned for the judgment of others, thinking I’d be “weak.” but then, as an inspiring person told me:
“Why are you scared of expressing your emotions? It doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means you’re strong enough to show that you don’t care how others will perceive you for being you. And if they don’t like it.. they can just fuck off. At least you’re content in knowing that you’re in a place where free will isn’t something to be ashamed of.”
I’m really lucky to have such wonderful mentors in my life, aren’t I?
Lie to me.
Where do lies come from? Logical answer: Adam and Eve way back with that apple incident. My answer: Lies come from everything we do. They come from the people who feel the need that the truth isn’t exciting enough, right enough, or good enough. They were invented so no one would get “hurt”, when in reality, the longer lies live, the bigger and deeper the cut will be.
We tell lies everyday, yes we do. I’ve read it somewhere and it’s engraved in my mind. The biggest lie we say is: “I’m fine.”
There’s a difference between making an effort and lying to your friends. Yeah, there actually is.. surprise! If your friend knows how passionately you’re into something, and they talk about it to you, - forgetting the fact that you’re not much of a fan - and they still say positive and happy things, that’s making an effort. But come on, you know how a lie feels. You know the energy it emits. This was just a thought.
Making an effort and lying are two very different things; like getting what you want, and getting what you need. Not very many people know that.
I love how we’re all being deep
Coleen Guyo, Christine Anandappa, and Stacey Bien-Aime,
I have noticed that you are all not in the highest of spirits. As a friend, of course I would be upset if you are D: I know we don’t chill that much but know that I care for all of you.
I can’t come up with any cool quotes or super deep, amazing entries like how you guys do. But I wrote this in grade 9 when my friend was having a very difficult time because his grandmother was on life support. He was very close to her but there she was, lifeless on a hospital bed. His family had to decide whether to pull the plug. I wrote this for him and it helped him during his time of darkness. Even after a year, when she died, he remembered it and read it again and that made me very happy.
Life is fucking unfair. If it was fair, then men and women would take turns giving birth and everyone would live the same kind of house, have the same amount of money, and look all the same.
Life’s a total bitch sometimes. But in the end, we’ll still have to face some fucked up outcome. Sure, you can punch a few walls till they break down, scream out profanities, and lock yourself in a dark room for a long time to cry. Feel the way you do. Let it all out. But would your loved one want to see you this way? It’s okay to miss them. But now that they’re gone, smile for them, laugh for them, LIVE for them.
You’ll be faced with hard decisions and don’t have a clue on what to do. Remember all the good times you had and you’ll have strength to carry on. You may feel guilty living on, but I’m sure if that person really loved you, then they’d wish you happiness. For as long as they knew you, I’m sure they had always wished what’s best for you. Why would that change? Aren’t they the same person but just in a different place?
Death is part of life. We’ll all die someday. We’ll suffer. Remember that we are sinners. We’re all gonna have to carry our cross. But remember with dying, there’s resurrection. All the good that you did in your life will be rewarded in heaven. There’ll be no more pain, just peace.
But still you wonder on why someone had to die the way they did. I look through the newspapers seeing articles about innocent children dying everyday because of hunger and war, careless people who took away lives by doing one stupid careless mistake. Each second, another mother, father, child, aunt, uncle, friend, grandfather, and grandmother is taken away.
Why must such things happen? How could such nice people suffer? It’s total bullshit and seems fucked up no matter how you see it but what can we do? Nothing will change. I think that as long as we’re sinning, situations will get worse. Some people just don’t learn and keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. Some people just have to learn the hard way. Everything happens for a reason. Maybe God is just trying to teach us a lesson. Does another incident like the bombing to the Twin Towers have to happen? Another Hurricane Katrina? Another tsunami? Maybe a World War III will happen?
Anyway I’m getting off topic. ^__^” My point is that we have to get through hard times. It fucking sucks but we have to. We may keep asking why over and over again but nothing will happen. Be STRONG, LIVE ON, BE HAPPY! I know that i started this by saying “Life is unfair. Life is a bitch.” But life is what you make it. A lot of people focus on how much problems they have. Doesn’t it feel way better to look at the happy times? Open your book of life and highlight the good things.
You may be saying, “What the fuck do you know?” Well, yeah I don’t know much but I’m just trying to offer help. Remember that I’m always for you because I’m your friend and i love you! =] <3We all want to work hard but somehow can’t find the motivation to do it. We think and feel too much that we are clouded by so many things that block us from getting where we want. Our insecurity prevents us from growing. We are scared to fail but also scared of happiness. We don’t want to loose. It’s all so confusing. Maybe it is just teenage angst or something funny in the water. Through my entry though, try to live your life to the fullest. Think of those who couldn’t have the privileges that you do. Live for them. Live the life that you were given.
Oh, Wife.. I love you! All four of us are DEFINATELY talking abnout this tomorrow when we go to Starbucks.
Thank You Timbits.
Who knew how hard it would be to do homework when you finally realize how good you have it? Take it from me, it’s very hard. Today I - again - realized how f**king blessed I am to have all these people around me. They care, and my heart melts at the thought of someone being able to understand me on that level.
So tomorrow, I’ve decided to come in early and give every person whose changed me a timbit.. or for those who have changed me drastically.. something better. Maybe a hug and a timbit. Yes, because I’m that lame. Now, 20 timbits isn’t enough so to say, so let’s get the 40 pack, shall we?
A Universal Letter.
Dear Life,
Sometimes I hate you, sometimes I love you. Overall, I think about you because I live you. Your hardest lessons end up being the easiest for me to understand, if that makes sense. Because one day, I just get up, and the thought pops up in my mind. That’s why that happened. That’s why I had to do what I did. That’s why I’m here.
I’m just thankful for all the opportunities I’ve ever been given, the wonderful people I’ve been surrounded with, and the beautiful abilities I’m able to express.
Every single day I wonder why I was born this way to think, act, and do. But then I realize that every single day, someone I know wonders why they can’t think, act, or do what I do. And that’s what gets to me:
Curiosity is the most manipulative thing known to a human being because it’s what we all suffer from. If it weren’t to exist, we would never think: “Why this / why that / I wonder if” because questions wouldn’t exist.
But in all honesty, I love curiosity because its what makes us get up off our asses and actually do something with our lives. Want to know how it feels to be loved? Go love. Want to know how it feels to get hurt? Go get hurt.
What evolves from curiosity are mistakes, and what comes from mistakes are realizations, and what comes from realizations is wisdom. Wisdom is just a fancy word for experience. You can’t tell someone how ice cream tastes until you’ve tried it. You can’t spazz about the joy of unlimited love unless you’ve been loved limitlessly. You can’t give someone words of wisdom until you yourself have gone through such hurt.
It’s better to trust one person with your life than to be acquainted with a hundred people all your life. It may just be a thought, and it may just be words, but it’s my thoughts, and my words.. so that counts for something in my book.
I’ve said it, and I will never take it back.
I love you. In all ways platonic, and in every way profusely. Physical contact isn’t enough to express it, verbal indication isn’t enough to justify it. It just is. Even when I’m my worst, you make me feel my best. Even if I saw you 10 minutes ago, my stomach still churns at the thought of seeing you again. You have this effect on me; you’re like a drug. Your name comes up, and my back straightens. Someone bad mouths you, I feel the need to defend you.
What has gotten into me?
But it’s hard. To just watch you be. To see your mistakes being made, your heart being trampled over, and your eyes fill with pain. If I love you, I’ll let you go. But that’s the problem; I love you too much. I love you enough that I’ll watch over you and protect you. As a friend, as a brother, as a sister, as a mother, as a mentor.. I’ll be what you need me to be, because against all odds, you need me.
These kind of people.
Moments of realization are moments to live for. It just hits you, because you say to yourself: “Oh. Wow. I can’t believe I have this.” Because you see people around you who have it, who have whatever it is you want. It’s not materialistic; it’s something intangible you’ve been wanting all your life. But there are these rare moments, where we stop, and suddenly everything clicks. We do have it. It’s just in a different form, shape, package.
For example, it happened today with me. I’ve always thought that when a friendship or relationship doesn’t get exciting to the point where you’re eager, it’s practically.. just there. And over. I was wrong. That subsiding feeling is a good thing. Because that person has become apart of your life, and you don’t have to be anxious to see them because you know they’ll be there. It was the most amazing feeling; we had little things about us that we laughed at. We always kept smiling through our entire conversation. We mindlessly did all these things, and it’s what kept everything going. Even yesterday, they made me feel on top of the world. And I felt so lucky to have them in my life. You know how they say there will be that boy who will be right for you? There are friends who are like that too.
There are friends, and there are friends.
They just know you. You’re close enough that you jokingly insult each other. You’re close enough that by one contact of touch, they know that there’s something wrong. You’re close enough that you never feel embarrassed around them, and you feel like yourself; they make you who you are. Yes, we always must give ourselves credit too, but without these people, we would have never realized it in the first place.
Love.
How do you define love? How is it that this 4 letter word has so much meaning? It’s everywhere.. but not really. It is said everywhere, but meant in rarity. It is seen everywhere, but not so often felt. It is always talked about, but never shows up when it’s needed most.
The best way to describe love is by one word: indescribable. You can’t truly define it, you live it. It feels wonderful, to truly be loved. Because that’s when you know that it exists, and there is something to live for.
