Starving.

That feeling is back. That feeling of being overwhelmed. I’m starting not to think of this as some anxiety, but when I think of something, and someone in particular.. I just go all off. This sounds so cliche, but it’s crazy how someone can make you feel, isn’t it? I never thought I’d ever find the right words to express this emptiness I’ve been feeling.. but yesterday, I found it. I was reading, and this is what just made me break down.

“In every way except the physical, I feel like I’ve been starving all my life. Nothing has ever satisfied me. Nothing has ever filled me. As wealthy as I am, sometimes I feel like that image of the grubby, penniless starving child with its face pressed up against the glass front of a restaurant. I wake up empty and hungry and I go to bed empty and hungry every day of my life and it’s made me what I am. It’s made me a bitch and it’s made me a success because no one is hungrier than I am.”

This was the point where I began to read slower, because I understood everything.

“I’ve lived in the hope all these years that I wouldn’t always be empty. And then oddly enough, something happened. More than a year ago now. Something happened and I began to feel that there was something out there. But I didn’t know what it was. It was as if I looked into the restaurant just as a waiter passed by with something. But quickly. Too quickly. And I hadn’t expected the waiter to come from that direction so I only caught it out of the corner of my eye. But I knew I’d seen it. It existed. The one thing I needed existed. Then one day, it was just…gone. I turned around and even the window was gone. I didn’t even know what it was but I knew it was gone and all hope for it was gone.”

And here was when I started to cry, because I knew that feeling. And it hurt, so much.

“And since I lost even the hope for it, I have been angrier and emptier and hungrier than I have ever been in my life. Believe it or not—and I know you will—I can be quite obtuse about my feelings.”

This is what made me realize why I’ve been so angry and upset.

“These few days, since you walked back into my life, I’ve wondered what on Earth has gotten into me. What’s been wrong with me. I just don’t date people. I don’t beg them to stay with me. I don’t panic thinking about their leaving leave me. I chalked it up to the facts that we’re friends, I care deeply for you, we’re oddly compatible and I’m simply physically attracted to you. But when you held me and kissed me tonight and I knew you were leaving me, I finally, finally understood. It’s you. It’s always been you. I’ve been starving for you.”