Dear Stacey & Christine:

“How does it feel? To know you’ve tried everything in this world to keep everything the same, but it will never be strong enough to stop it. To know that the one person you’ve been trusting your whole life is slowly drifting away, and you’re the only one to notice it. How does it feel when you see people around you, different, happier than before. Different, and happier than you. But is it just the way you see things? Are you afraid of change? Of evolving? What are you afraid of? Slowly this thought in your head swims around, blaming others for the way you feel. But in reality.. it’s your fault. You chose to react this way. You’re afraid of becoming a better person. Because once you change, you will have nothing to complain about, talk about. You will lose your entitlement. Change is the hardest thing, everyone goes through it. Learn to deal with it.” - This is what I thought one day, way back. I still think it to be true. It is harsh, but it’s what keeps me going.

I know exactly how you feel. And before you go thinking: “No, you don’t. No matter how hard you try, you won’t.” The steps that edge along that edge, are really quite higher than they seem. Well, I’ve been on that ledge before, so you can’t hide yourself from me. I just know. Words won’t justify it, but if you could see me right now, and look into my eyes, you would know that I’m telling the truth.

Breakdowns are inevitable. They happen, it just depends on when you want them to. You see, I’m such a controlling person. I want to control so much of everything unknowingly; it’s my nature. I need order in my life because for years there was none. I’m just trying to fill the holes that were dug too deep. And these small things I see and hear from people - even if it isn’t personal - just get to me. Because I’m so sensitive, it’s impossible you haven’t seen me cry in school. The drama room is practically my therapy room for all the times I ever had breakdowns in there.

It feels weird, doesn’t it? To have the rug pulled from underneath your feet, making you stand there, on the cold tile floor. Something has happened to all of us that we feel this way. Something or someone has pulled away that feeling of safety, and they leave us with what we never wanted in the first place: to be alone. Not the alone as in: “I don’t have friends” But the alone, where.. you just feel so isolated. And no matter how hard you try to make it seem like it.. you can’t. We need company. We not only need to see it, but hear it.

God, my metaphors don’t make any fucking sense. But I feel like pulling my hair out, because I UNDERSTAND YOU. You need to know that. I’m feeling os strongly on this, and I’m trying hard to tell you that I really do get you. Because I know, from experience.. that assuring once wasn’t enough. This is why I’m practically repeating myself.. because I know it won’t be enough for you. But I’m telling you, beyond what you will ever think.. I know that feeling. And it frustrates me to know I can’t express properly the relation I feel to you.