What it looks like here on my morningside.
I really thought I passed that stage in adolescence. The stage where you question everything about yourself. Not regarding your sexuality or interests, but everything. So it came as a shock to me to know that I, in fact, was in this stage - without even knowing it. Yes. I’m typical.
I don’t really like this, to be honest. But I assume it’s only fair for me to share the misery others fight.
On the other hand, exams are in a week. Oh crap. My love for writing has overpowered EVERYTHING and now I’m addicted to letting my emotions flow. Well, although it’s expressive, it’s an inconvenience. Even now I should be studying.
That’s not going to happen.
Welcome.
I’ve decided that another Tumblr blog would be needed for Meryl Streep. Because she’s just that awesome. Let’s hope this’ll be successful? Yes/yes?
Fabulous. Fierce. Completely fuckworthy. Ladies and gentlemen, Miranda Priestly - Ice Bitch Extraordinaire.
Oh. My. Meryl. She is officially the most beautiful 60-year old woman in the world universe.. and anywhere else you can think of. Agree? I think so.
And this is what you call pure class, yes? Oh, Miss Wintour and Sir Lagerfeld are the epitome of sophistication.
This strange liking I have towards the two fashion moguls is appalling; they just ooze power and control.
Would you give it all up?
Sometimes, I’m unsure of how to approach a situation. So I go into it blank, expressionless, emotionless. But despite my effort, I feel something. I feel it, but don’t exactly know what it is. What could it be? Confusion? Infatuation? Care? Worry? Crisis? Oh, yes, a crisis. It’s just screaming for attention. But no.. it’s none of the above.
It’s fear.
When I’m unsure of how to approach a situation, I am afraid, terrified, frightened. Use the thesaurus for all the other words to expand your vocabulary. I am scared. But see, I don’t feel fear. I’ve taught myself to not feel this way. Fear does not make its way into my life nor does it exist. I’ve made sure to shut it out and never let it in.
In all honesty, I thought I was invulnerable to that emotion, going through more wars in my heart than I could imagine. So it was a shock to me to learn I was still capable of truly being afraid. Apparently, when the right person comes along, all your morals are thrown out the nearest window.
Fear is instilled in your veins, running through every inch, every hair of your body. And you react to it like you’ve always felt it, like it’s been hiding this whole time. And that’s when it hits you. Fear is created when you don’t know how to react. Because then you’d be out of your comfort zone, your little bubble of safety, and you’re actually taking a chance. A risk.
It’s probably the drugs talking.
I know where to find happiness; in my own voice, mind, and heart. It’s so hard to just look at yourself and what you’ve created.. it really is. Because there are so many things blocking your view: judgments, limits.
But I finally got to look at myself without all those things, and wow. I’m just in shock. I am happy. It’s the things around me that aren’t.
The vision I’m able to create in my head is beautiful, the words I’m able to say and write is beautiful, everything I touch, in my eyes, is beautiful.
/ends ramble.
This is probably the medication talking.. just so you know. This is what happens when you take your drugs on an empty stomach. Woo for wisdom teeth. Not.
Betrayal.
There isn’t a feeling that hits you harder than this. I’ve felt it to an extent, because lies lead to betrayal, yes? I have this theory.. that at least once in your life, you will be betrayed to the point where everything just freezes.
You can’t talk, you can’t move, you can’t speak. No tears fall from your face, but disappointment seems to fill every pore of your body. You become upset, then curious as to why you were betrayed, then you become angry. Real angry. Don’t hold it back, it’s human nature.
“Don’t. Don’t talk to me. Don’t touch me. Don’t even think about me because the sheer thought of you evokes so much anger. I am not nor will ever ask for an apology.. ever. Because you cannot fix, apologize or ‘make up’ for what you have done. I’m not being rude, I’m just telling you to not waste your time on me.”
That’s what comes up in my mind when I think of betrayal. Because really, if someone betrays me to the point where I become a reckless bitch, there’s gotta be something wrong.
I don’t want to be betrayed.. ever, but it’s inevitable. I’ll compromise; if you betray me, don’t ever be in the same room as I am. Because you hurt me.. I will hurt you back. Emotionally. And if you go against my plea, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
